Positive Principles Newsletter
August 2007
____________________________________________
Key Quotes:
“The
aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress.”
-
Joseph Joubert (French Philosopher, 1754-1824)
“If you would convince
others, seem open to conviction yourself.”
- Earl
of Chesterfield
____________________________________________
This
month's tip –
Decide to RESOLVE conflicts rather than to be RIGHT
Many conflicts begin with
small irritations that grow into major blow-ups. This often happens because
of the mindset of the “combatants.”
As a conflict builds and
you begin the process of confronting the issue, I have found that you really
only have two options. You can choose to prove that your perspective is
RIGHT, or you can choose to RESOLVE the conflict.
The person who chooses to
be RIGHT:
R eally
I
nsists on
G
iving
H
is (or Her)
T
houghts.
They focus on being heard rather than on hearing. By contrast, the person
who chooses to RESOLVE the conflict:
R
espects the other person
E
ngages in productive dialogue
S
eeks to understand the other person
O
bserves carefully
L
istens actively
V
oices their concerns, and
E
valuates possible solutions.
They focus on
understanding the other person first. As Stephen Covey says in The Seven
Habits of Highly Effective People, they “seek first to understand and
then to be understood.”
I’ll illustrate with a
story from my experience.
My wife and I met while I
served as a submarine officer in the U.S. Navy and she worked as a school
teacher in Charleston, South Carolina. We got married as my naval
commitment ended and my civilian career began. Three days after our wedding,
we moved from South Carolina to New Jersey. We both felt the excitement and
anticipation of our new life together.
In the process of moving
the last pieces of clothing from my closet to the vehicle we were driving to
New Jersey, we hit the first major conflict of our married life. I wanted
the clothes on the right side of the vehicle. She wanted them on the left
side. As we made alternating trips from the closet to the car, both of us
rearranged the items in the vehicle every time we returned to it. I placed
my load of clothes on the right side. Then I moved everything from the left
to the right in a neat stack. She did the same except that she placed
everything on the left side.
As this process continued
for three for four trips between the closet and the car, we each became
increasingly agitated. When we passed in the apartment hallway, I think we
actually glared at each other a bit. She thought I had lost my mind, and I
thought the same of her.
Eventually, the showdown
came as we met at the closet in the bedroom. There we stood, toe-to-toe and
nose-to-nose, ready to “have it out.” We needed to settle this issue, and we
both thought that we were “right.”
In that moment of near
explosion, with emotions high over this critical issue in our lives
together, I walked away to stop myself from yelling at my new wife. With
about 30 or 45 seconds of separation, we both realized how truly ridiculous
the situation had become. We decided that working to RESOLVE the
conflict took priority over either of us being RIGHT.
That experience – as silly
as it sounds eighteen years later – opened the door for a great dialogue
about what we both thought and felt in that moment of conflict. Our choice
to find the common ground in our perceptions kept the situation from
spiraling totally out-of-control.
The process that almost
created a blow-up between my wife and I happens in work teams every day. One
co-worker says or does something that irritates another. A supervisor
forgets to notify people of a schedule change. Or any number of other
frustrations that happen when people work together. Each person formulates
their own perception of what happened, what the other person intended or
thought when they did the “offensive” action, and how they should solve the
problem. Then the two parties engage in a discussion with both people
defending their positions in an effort to be RIGHT. As each of them
tries to prove how RIGHT they are, the conflict intensifies. Unlike
the happy ending in the scenario between my wife and I, the end often comes
with one or both parties angry to the point that they withdraw feeling a
sense of hopelessness or frustration. As both of them seek to “win” the
argument, both of them lose.
Alone, the RESOLVE
it mindset will not address all conflicts. Many other skills also come into
play. However, the mindset we take as we approach the other person plays a
critical role in the overall process. Great team members, great leaders, and
great communicators make the choice to RESOLVE issues instead of
insisting that they are RIGHT.
So for now, I encourage
you to remember this month's tip . . .
Decide to RESOLVE conflicts rather than to be RIGHT
Have a great day,
Guy Harris
The Recovering Engineer
