Positive Principles Newsletter
January 2008
____________________________________________
Key Quotes:
“In quarreling,
the truth is always lost.”
- Publilius Syrus (first
century B.C.)
____________________________________________
This
month's tip – Address one issue at a time.
You have
probably seen or been involved in confrontation discussions that got off
track. I know that I have. Maybe you were speaking with one of your
co-workers about cleaning the coffee pot in the break room and you found
yourself in a heated discussion about your desire to “boss everyone
around.” Maybe you attempted to confront someone who reports to you about
missing a deadline and you wound up discussing their sick family pet and
the trouble they were having trying to get the issue resolved. Or maybe
you mentioned taking out the garbage to your teenage son and, the next
thing you knew, you were in the middle of a discussion about your tendency
to yell at him “all the time.”
Whatever scenario comes to your mind, I am pretty sure you have one.
Nearly everyone I know has attempted to confront one issue with someone
and then found themselves in an entirely different conversation. When this
happens, tempers flare, harsh words get spoken, and problems remain
unresolved. These situations are common, unproductive, negative, and
emotionally draining.
Losing the main intent of the conversation may result from conscious
diversionary tactics by the other person, but, more often than not, it
happens because the person confronting the issue is unclear about their
primary concern. If the issue you want to address with someone is not
crystal clear in your mind, you can easily get drawn in to a conversation
about a completely separate topic – usually how the problem is your fault.
Most conflicts involve multiple issues and points of view. To effectively
“unpack” these issues, keep your focus on one thing at a time. For
example, suppose someone who reports to you has a habit of being late to
work, has promised you that they would fix the problem, and they arrived
late again today. You have three potential issues to address: they were
late today, they have a pattern of being late, and they broke their
promise to you. If you try to tackle all of these issues simultaneously,
you will probably find yourself in an emotion-filled, unproductive
discussion without resolving any of the issues. So, start addressing the
points of concern by choosing the most significant one to you and leaving
the others alone until you reach resolution on the first one. In this
case, I would tackle the broken commitment problem first and then address
the others. You may see it differently, and that is ok. Just don’t go
after all of them at the same time.
When you approach someone with a concern or a problem, they may attempt to
make their behavior your fault. For example, “I would have been on time
today, except that you made me work late yesterday. So I had to take care
of some personal issues this morning.” Maybe they have a valid point,
maybe not. Whether they do or not – don’t take the bait. Stay focused on
your objective. Bring the discussion back to the key issue. You might say
something like, “You’re right. I did ask you to work late yesterday, and
we can discuss that in a moment. For now, I would like to address the fact
that the last time we had this conversation you agreed to speak with me
about these situations before you decided on your own to come in late. I
want to discuss your broken promise.”
In writing this article, I am reminded of a scene from the Billy Crystal
movie City Slickers. In this scene, Billy Crystal’s character, Mitch, asks
Curly the wise old cowboy, played by Jack Palance, about the secret to
life. Curly holds up one finger, and Mitch questions him about his
meaning. In his reply, Curly says, “One thing. Just one thing…” Mitch
still does not understand, and he says, “That’s great, but what’s the one
thing?” To which Curly replies, “That’s what you’ve got to figure out.”
Effective conflict resolution is much the same way. You may need to deal
with multiple issues, but you have got to stick to one thing at a time. If
you want to resolve the conflict and move forward with a productive
relationship, do as Curly suggests. Figure out the one thing and stick to
it.
Every conflict situation or confrontation with another person will have
its own flow and dynamics. As you apply this concept, you also have to
have some flexibility. What if the other person counters with an even more
significant or pressing issue? Agree to set the first issue aside in favor
of dealing with the second. Just don’t try to handle both of them at the
same time. Attempting to address multiple issues concurrently will often
lead you to disaster. Pick one key topic and either stay with it until it
is resolved or consciously, with the agreement of both parties, set it
aside for later discussion in favor of addressing a different issue first.
So for now, I
encourage you to remember this month's tip . . .
Address one issue at a time.
Have a great day,
Guy Harris
The Recovering Engineer
