Positive Principles Newsletter
March 2008
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Key Quotes:
“There is little
that can withstand a man who can conquer himself.”
- Louis XIV
“No man is free who is not master of himself.”
- Epictetus
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This
month's tip – Remember to Respond Rather Than
React.
The most
frequent question I receive with regard to conflict resolution is this:
“How do you remember the better ways to resolve conflict when you get
caught off-guard and you find yourself in a situation that you did not
anticipate?” That is a great question, and I wish I could say that I had a
perfect track record to point to in answering it. I have some approaches
that usually work for me, and I still occasionally say and do things that
escalate rather than resolve the conflicts in my life. However, I have
learned one powerful thought that works really well to help me in these
situations.
The best communication strategies and techniques for conflict resolution
demand self-control and logical processing of the situation. In reality
though, most of us are not self-controlled or logical when we get caught
unprepared or unaware. In the “heat of the moment” we gravitate to
emotional rather than rational thought. Since emotional thought tends to
drive our reactions to situations, we often choose words and actions that
actually increase the level of conflict rather than resolve it. We feel
pushed, so we push. We feel attacked, so we attack. We feel criticized, so
we criticize. If asked in a non-stressed, rational moment, we probably
know exactly how to handle a situation. Then we find ourselves in an
emotionally charged conflict of ideas or wills, and we forget the
strategies we learned in calmer times.
So, I’ll restate the original question in a different way: How do you
maintain self-control and logical thinking in an emotional situation? The
answer – remember to respond rather than react. Simply remembering the
difference between these words can help you to remain calm,
self-controlled and rational.
First, let’s see how these words are defined. Then we’ll look at the
practical application.
React:
1. To act in
response to an agent or influence.
2. To act reciprocally upon each other, as two things.1
Respond:
1. To reply or
answer in words.
2. To react favorably.2
Notice that
reacting implies a reciprocal behavior driven by an external agent (the
other person). In other words, when we react, we let the other person’s
words and behaviors determine our words and behaviors. We react to their
words in a reciprocal (the same as they acted) fashion. If the other
person’s behavior seemed inappropriate to us, our reaction will likely
seem inappropriate to them. Then we lock ourselves in a continuing cycle
of “bad” behaviors that escalates the conflict rather than resolving it.
Responding calls for a reply in words (not in silence or withdrawal). As
the second definition states, it implies a favorable choice of words. In
other words, we remain respectful and kind, even in conflict. When we
think response and not reaction we focus our energy and thoughts on
resolving rather than escalating the conflict.
Just to emphasize the point, I’ll borrow an example that I learned from
Zig Ziglar. Think, for a moment, about the difference between these two
statements:
When class
participants and clients ask me how they can improve their reaction to
conflicts, I generally suggest that they think in terms of responses and
not reactions. I encourage them to think in a positive rather than a
negative direction. Thinking in terms of reactions generally focuses on
quick phrases or techniques to turn the direction of the conflict.
Thinking in terms of responses allows for the processing or reflection
time that creates a thoughtful and rational (not emotional) approach to
the situation. The subtle shift from “How should I react to this
situation?” to “How should I respond to this situation?” allows me to
remain more calm and self-controlled when conflict strikes. Many of my
clients tell me the same is true for them.
So for now, I
encourage you to remember this month's tip . . .
Remember to Respond Rather Than React.
Have a great day,
Guy Harris
The Recovering Engineer
1react."
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 26 Mar. 2008. <Dictionary.com
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/react>.
2"respond." Dictionary.com
Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 26 Mar. 2008. <Dictionary.com
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/respond>.
