Positive Principles Newsletter
November 2004
____________________________________________
"Listen and silent have the same letters.”
- Author unknown, from a
billboard seen by my friend
Tom Butera
“He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame…The heart
of
the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out.”
- Proverbs 18:13 and
18:15
“Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice.”
- William Shakespeare
____________________________________________
This month’s tip – Listen to the person before you
solve the problem.
On Halloween, my mother-in-law passed away in our home. She lived with us
for nearly
eight years. During the final weeks of her life, my wife (Sandra), my two
daughters (Lydia
and Alexandra), and I provided 24x7 care for her. Early in the month we had
a fantastic 85th
birthday celebration for her that included family from South Carolina and
friends she made
while living in Indiana for the last six years. With all of the events of
the month, I lost track
of time and realized that it was November before I had written the October
edition of Positive
Principles. Everything is now under control and I’m back in the game. I am
thankful for the
experience and for the trust Mama placed in us to take care of her. This
month’s tip is drawn
from my experiences in the final days of her life.
On the Friday before she passed away, Sandra arranged for us to receive help
from a local
hospice as it became clear that Mama had lost the will to continue fighting
her chronic, terminal
lung disease. The hospice responded quickly and immediately sent a nurse who
provided
medication to make Mama more comfortable, medical advice about what to
expect during
the dying process and help in providing comfort and care for our patient.
Everyone we dealt
with from the hospice was a wonderful person with a truly caring attitude.
Despite all of the
positives, part of the experience was frustrating.
Our hospice nurse was quick to help, quick to offer advice, quick to provide
support, and
quick to respond to our every call. She was and is a wonderful person. She
has a loving
heart. She always had the right answer. She always cared. But, she didn’t
slow down
enough to listen before responding to fix the problem.
Due to another commitment, Sandra had to leave Mama in my care over the
weekend.
When the hospice nurse arrived on Friday evening, she was quick to assess
the situation
and to take action to make Mama comfortable. As we spoke, she often answered
my
questions before I finished them or cut our conversation off to move on to
something else.
Because I knew her heart was in the right place and I understood that she
had other
patients to care for, I understood her situation and chose not to let myself
get irritated.
From a logical standpoint I knew then and I know now that she really cared
for both Mama
and me during the three days that we worked together. But try as I might, I
had a hard time
“feeling” like she really cared.
My logical, analytical nature is probably the saving grace in this
situation. I can’t really take
credit for controlling my response. I just responded the way I naturally do
– based on logic.
The potential problem for leaders lies in the fact that most of the world
does not respond
primarily from a logical basis. The DISC model of human behavior shows that
only about
35% of the population has a predominant task-oriented drive like I do. The
other 65% of the
population has more of a people (or feeling) oriented drive.
Let’s go back to the interaction I had with the hospice nurse. The above
statistics show
that about 65% of the population will tend to respond from feelings over
logic – especially
in a high stress or highly emotional situation. In my interaction with the
nurse, I knew that
she cared but I didn’t “feel” that she cared. Because of the emotional
nature of the situation,
my feelings almost took over my response. If that had happened, I might have
said or done
something that caused a serious conflict between me and the nurse.
Guy Harris, Mr. Logic himself, struggled to get past his feelings to view an
emotional
situation from a logical standpoint. So how likely is it that a
people-oriented person will get past
their feelings and give you the benefit of the doubt when they don’t “feel”
like you understand
them? I think the chances are slim to none.
As leaders, you will encounter changing business climates, organizational
shake-ups,
downsizings, disciplinary actions, and a host of other high stress
situations where you will
need people to choose to follow your lead. Remember that most people will
act based
primarily on their feelings during those times. Most people will not
willingly follow you if
they don’t feel that you care. As stated in the first quote for this month,
“Listen and
silent have the same letters.” Be still, be quiet, and listen to your
people. You can
connect with their feelings and show that you care by slowing down long
enough to listen
to them before you act.
So for now, I encourage you to remember this month's tip . . .
Listen to the person before you solve the problem.
Have a great day,
Guy Harris
The Recovering Engineer
