Positive Principles Newsletter
November 2007
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Key Quotes:
“Anger is only one
letter short of danger.”
- Anonymous
"The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence, but in
the mastery, of his passions."
- Alfred, Lord Tennyson
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This
month's tip –
Stay CALM in Conflict.
I have seen lots
of good suggestions for approaches to resolving conflict, and most of it
prescribes the steps for conflict resolution with little recognition of
the emotional component of the process. In my experience, controlling the
emotional aspect of the conflict often interferes with the effective
application of otherwise fantastic conflict resolution approaches.
With this thought in mind, I developed an acronym to help myself and
others address the emotions (anger, frustration, fear, apprehension, etc.)
associated with addressing and effectively resolving conflicts. In order
to control your emotional response, work to stay CALM in the
conflict where CALM means:
Check your
motive (intent)
Do you want to
be RIGHT or do you want to
RESOLVE the conflict? Any time I enter a
conflict situation with the intent to prove that I am RIGHT, the effort
generally fails. So, the first step to controlling the emotional component
lies in checking my motive as I enter the discussion. I find that I have
to consciously choose a resolution mindset because I default to a “prove
I’m right” approach. In my work with clients, I see that many other people
have this tendency as well.
Ask questions
Asking questions rather than making statements
helps to focus your thinking on understanding the other person’s
perspective over expressing yours. In conflict, we often want to justify
our position rather than understand the other person’s. As a result, we
make statements rather than ask questions. I have found it difficult, if
not impossible, to understand the other person’s perspective when I am
focused on explaining mine. (Kevin Eikenberry has a
great article on asking questions.)
Listen carefully
This may be the
most difficult, and most powerful, step towards controlling your emotional
response. Listening does not come naturally to
many people. Once you have checked your motive, chosen to pursue
resolution over being right, and asked good questions; listen to the
response. I have found that forcing myself to slow down and listen, helps
me to do the next step more effectively.
Monitor your voice
tone and body language
While you are
listening to the other person, body language trumps voice tone (since you
should be silent while listening). So, carefully consider how you position
yourself. Keep your arms in an open, receptive posture. Stand (or sit)
comfortably facing the other person. Relax your facial muscles. In other
words, look like you care. I have seen psychological research that
tentatively links control of your physical actions with controlling your
emotions. So, controlling your physical reaction can lead to better
control of your feelings and to improved communication with the other
person.
When you master
the ability to remain CALM in a conflict situation, your ability to
resolve it productively will skyrocket.
So for now, I
encourage you to remember this month's tip . . .
Stay CALM in Conflict.
Have a great day,
Guy Harris
The Recovering Engineer
