The Coach: Conversations

on Leadership

An eBook by

Guy Harris

Click image for

sample copy

Positive Principles Newsletter
September 2007

 ____________________________________________

Key Quotes:

"It's not about technique, it's about intent."
    

          - Joe Pici, master sales trainer 

“Our life is what our thoughts make it.”
   

           - Marcus Aurelius

____________________________________________

This month's tip – Develop a conflict resolution mindset

As I work with teams of people across North America, I find that mindset, or thinking, issues affect conflict resolution efforts more than the actual techniques or approaches used. I do not want to minimize the effectiveness of sound conflict resolution methodologies. Rather, I want to highlight a few key issues that form the foundation for successful application of them. This foundation begins in the thoughts of the parties involved.

In reflecting on many conflict situations, I see at least four key concepts that show themselves in every successfully and productively resolved one. I do not claim this to be an exhaustive list of the attributes of the conflict resolution mindset. I have seen, though, that these four elements form a critical basis for it.

1) Learn to separate facts from judgments

In the first set of statements, most people easily see the difference between the fact statement and the judgment statement. However, many people struggle with the issue shown in the second set of statements. The distinction between fact and judgment often lies in the way the sentence is stated. Directness is a fact. Feeling that a statement was rude is a fact. Projecting feelings to judge another person’s intent or character shifts a statement from fact to judgment.

In general, focusing on facts rather than judgments eases the path to successful conflict resolution.

2) Prosecute the problem, don’t persecute the person

The other person is not the problem in a conflict. The conflict is the problem. Focus on resolving conflicting desires and ideas rather than attacking the other person, and you will smooth the way to a peaceful conclusion.

Let’s look at some definitions to build on this concept:

Prosecute: To pursue (an undertaking, for example) until completion; follow to the very end.¹
 

Persecute: To annoy persistently; bother²

Prosecuting the problem leads to resolution. Persecuting the person leads to more conflict. Maintaining a focus on the problem and not on the person requires separating facts from judgments.

3) Be willing to “agree to disagree”

A mentor of mine once told me, “Guy, you can disagree with me. Just don’t be disagreeable.” Sometimes people simply disagree in their judgment of the proper course of action in a given situation. Learning to separate facts from judgments will help with this thinking as well.

When we disagree about the facts of a situation, we should actively seek to resolve our understanding of them. Even after reaching agreement on the facts of a situation, two people can still honestly disagree on what to do next or how to interpret the implications of the facts.

Pursue resolution and reconciliation, and learn to recognize when you have reached an impasse. On points of disagreement that do not materially affect the task, objective, or project at hand, learn to “agree to disagree” in the interest of moving forward.

4) Be willing to yield

In my college physics class, we discussed what would happen if an irresistible force acted upon an immovable object. It became something of a joke in the class, and I have seen the joke played out in many team conflict situations. Two people disagree, and both of them insist on holding their positions. No movement occurs. The project or meeting grinds to a halt. Not only does no one win, everyone loses.

I once heard a story about mountain goats that illustrates this point. When two mountain goats meet on a narrow trail, they have only three options. They can fight for the right-of-way, and both of them will likely die. One can back up or down the trail until they can pass, and effectively one of them loses. Or, one can kneel to let the other one walk over their back so that both of them can “win.” Most often, the more mature goat kneels to allow the less mature goat to “have his way.” In my experience, the willingness to yield is the hallmark of maturity. I have seen the willingness to yield pave the way for many successful conflict resolution efforts.

I constantly study, teach, and work to apply effective conflict resolution strategies. And still, I find that these mindset issues impact the outcome of my efforts more than the techniques. In fact, I have seen good mindset and poor technique trump good technique and poor mindset on more than one occasion.

On the last two points, notice the word willing. I often find that being willing to agree to disagree or willing to yield can actually eliminate the need to do it. Willingness reveals a good, honest intent. A good, honest intent can bridge the distance between two positions so that resolution can happen. As my friend Joe Pici says, “It’s not about technique, it’s about intent.”
 

So for now, I encourage you to remember this month's tip . . .

Develop a conflict resolution mindset

Have a great day,

Guy Harris
The Recovering Engineer

1"prosecute." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. 25 Sep. 2007. <Dictionary.com http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/prosecute>.

2"persecute." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. 25 Sep. 2007. <Dictionary.com http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/persecute>.